Regrets

Look at the title. Ok so to many of you i appear to be a happy person, that forever cheery person with maybe a kid for a soul. Well guess what, i am. Maybe its the physics and maths and well everything else but sometimes when you think about your life, you cannot help but feel dark. Its not a quarrel with how life has gone thus far, that i am perfectly happy, but instead of how farther ahead i could have gone if maybe i was placed into a different path. Look at it this way, i am a perfectly healthy, normal 18 year old. Thats what the problem is. Why am i like any/most other 18 year old on this planet. There is really nothing that you can say hey i am a cut above the rest, you've accomplished something. For yourself, not for the world. There is nothing but grinding out this mundane existance.

Its stupid, absolutely without a doubt to ponder on the ifs and buts, as its already done. But just imagine, all that untapped potential that all of us had. All of us wasted. Its enough to make you feel sick to the guts. For now, i've had a dabble in everything, mostly, yet i cannot say that there is truely anything which defines me, for which i am truely good at.

Take soccer for example. I started playing in sec 1. Ok so i manage to end up in the college team. I am a good player, i'm not going to be falsely modest about it. Not great or fantastic, nothing to make you swoon over but just credible enough. Yet, imagine what it could have been if maybe i started kicking a ball from 5 years of age, or if my mum didnt restrict me from joining the primary school soccer team for fear of hurting myself ( its dumb really, next time if you guys are parents and your kids wanna play just let them ). Maybe i could be some national player now, or not. Or maybe i would have found my limit is just what i am now, a college player.

Everything i did, i am stuck in this band somewhere between average and the good. Like running, i am an above average runner. Imagined if i had been training from young?. Or if i had been forced to learn the piano or violin or whatever when i was young. Perhaps i wont be that slightly above average clarinet player that i am now, something better. Or if i had actually studied, mugged my guts out for my PSLE, O levels would i have ended up in another place?. The sad thing is i was never near my limits and probably never will be near it for the rest of my life, either due to my choice or not.

You know, sometimes, there is this bit of envy when you see people at the peak of their craft. Then you wonder, maybe that person could have well been you.